I'm bad at being single.

I know it sounds like a strange thing to be discussing as a skill, but it's true. I'm not good at the single life. I'm sure it has something to do with that I've spent more of my adult life in relationships than out of them, but I think it goes deeper than that. When it comes down to it, I just don't like being alone. Of course, a little bit of solitude is important every once in a while, but I find I have a lot of trouble motivating myself without someone else to push me along. Take today for example: from about 2:00 to a bit before 9, I laid on the couch watching golf followed by "I love the 80s" (you didn't think it could get worse than golf did you). By then I was so incredibly sick of sitting on my ass, I had to get out of the house, so I went to a movie... alone.

You see, my problem is that I am not introverted enough to relish the ours alone, but I'm not extroverted enough to do anything about it. I am not good at calling people up to suggest plans. I always feel as if I'm interrupting, or inviting myself over... that sort of thing. I constantly worry that if I call a friend too many times, they will think I'm being too clingy or a nag. Nine times out of ten I'm sure I am wrong in my assumptions, but as a result, I end up sitting around staring at my phone, wishing someone would invite me somewhere. And it seems many of my friends don't think of me when planning a weekend outing, because those calls have been pretty rare of late. I don't mean to imply any malicious intent on the part of my friends; I'm sure they just don't think of me or have their own plans. However, the end result is the same: I become a shut-in with nothing to do but feel sorry for myself. Not a very healthy past-time I must say.

But what to do about it? I suppose I could resolve to be more assertive and call up more friends trying to make my own plans... but here comes that nagging feeling again, that I am turning into that irritating friend who you don't mind seeing around, but he won't stop calling trying to get invited along to everything you do. Oh well, I guess I'll just be lonely a while longer.

Those cold and lonely nights

Whoever said spring was the time for love got it all wrong.

When I'm walking through fallen leaves in the crisp fall air, I feel like nothing would make me happier than to have someone holding my hand, sharing the beautiful moment. And when laying in my bed trying to lull myself to sleep in my freezing room (doesn't help that the heat isn't working) I keep wishing I had warm body to curl up next to. The spring isn't the time for love, it's the fall. With the cold death of winter coming, I find myself yearning ever stronger for the warm life of love to keep me warm. But alas, I am forced to share the beautiful garden walk with the surrounding trees, and must content myself with an extra blanket on the bed. Strange how a season can encourage love so completely, and yet cause such a feeling of loneliness in those of us without...

Exes

I was having dinner with a friend today and she said something that got me thinking a lot. She mentioned that she doesn't keep in touch with her exes; she makes a conscious effort to NOT see them. Don't ask me why, but this struck me as a new thing. I mean, I don't keep in close contact with every girl I've ever had feelings for, but whenever I have broken up with someone, I have assumed that I would at least make some sort of effort to remain in contact with them at the very least. Of course, there is always a necessary separation before any kind of "friendship" can begin, but I have always operated on the assumption that I would work at making that happen, and that the other party was doing the same... call me optimistic.

However, in talking with my friend, I can definitely see the logic in just never seeing the ex again. I mean, you don't ever truly get over someone after being so deeply emotionally connected to them. You can move on to a new life and certainly reach a point where you can see them without flinching (At least I've gotten there in the past, I'll keep you posted on the most recent...) but you are always connected in some way to this person. That being the case, it can be just devastating to watch this person, who has meant EVERYTHING to you for so long, seemingly move on without a second thought for you. Of course, they will be moving on whether or not you are there to see it, but out of sight out of mind right? I'm beginning to think that I have put myself through some rather gut-wrenching experiences in the recent past all in the name of maintaining a relationship. As such, part of me would like nothing more than to sever all ties and be done with it.

However (you knew that was coming), the other side of me feels like it would be such a waste to take such drastic measures. I mean, this is someone who has been the single most important part of your life for a period of months, or even years. How strange to suddenly decide to never speak to them again. It seems like such a waste. I think the answer is probably somewhere in the middle (surprise). I need to be more careful to take myself into account before putting myself in a place to be hurt, but I can't shut myself away so much as to completely sever ties to a person who meant so much to me for a time.

Damn that seems like a lot of work for a relationship that doesn't even exist any more...

a poem

I'd like to share this poem:



the way it is now

Charles Bukowski
--------------------------------------

I'll tell you
I've lived with some gorgeous women
and I was so bewitched by those
beautiful creatures that
my eyebrows twitched.

but I'd rather drive to New York
backwards
than to live with any of them
again.

the next classic stupidity
will be the history
of those fellows
who inherit my female
legacies.

in their case
as in mine
they will find
that madness
is caused by not
being often enough
alone.


I do love the way Bukowski writes, so ireverant and to the point. I can't really bring myself to agree with this one, as I am currently being tormented by the fact that I am too often alone. However, I still get a little chuckle out of imagining the "classic stupidity" of "those fellows who inherit my female legacies." Does that make me a bad person?

The trouble with life is...

I feel so alone.

Let me first say that I realize that this is a pretty petty thing to be so upset about. I know I have a number of people who care a great deal about me, and there are much more devastating things going on in the world at this very moment, but that doesn't stop me from feeling this way.

Let me start at the beginning because I think this all stems directly from my relationship with Louisa, and more importantly, the fact that it no longer exists. For a time, I was pretty sure she was the one. I loved Louisa more than I've ever loved another person. More than I ever thought I could love... but one day things just seemed to change. I know that she loved me as well, and I think she even thought she loved me in the same way, but when it came down to it, she couldn't take that final step of complete submission to the relationship, and that fact eventually drove us apart. Which was a very painful thing, to be sure.

Here, I again have to pause for an apology. I know that some of the people who eventually read this are close friends with Louisa, and I don't mean to put her down excessively, but I haven't really had the opportunity to talk this out, so I'm going to. Please understand that I don't really hold her wholly responsible, and though I do still harbor some feelings of ill-will, I hope she and I can remain in contact and eventually, I hope to let bygones be bygones.

Anyway, so as I said, the break-up was devastating to me. I think this is when the feelings of loneliness began, though they have grown since. However, I was not angry initially. I understand that we were simply not to be, but that didn't stop me from mourning the loss. I then came to find out (I'll spare you the gory details of how) that Louisa, maybe a bit more than a month later, was seeing another man. I had thought her to be feeling at least similar feelings of loss to mine, but I guess I had been given proof that she was indeed, not as deeply committed to our relationship as I was, though God I wish I'd have been left in the dark on that one.

Now, of course she is still with this person and presumably happy, while I have to resort to telling my problems to a computer screen.

All I want in this world is to be able to make one person deliriously happy, and to have them do the same for me in return. Is that so much to ask? What was wrong with me that she couldn't commit to that? Of course, I know the reason for that had very little to do with me, and much more to do with her, but it doesn't stop that question from coming to my head as I lay awake at 2 am. I have good days and bad days, but not a single one goes by without me nearly weeping at the thought of how much I want that kind of connection, and simply don't have it. Call it co-dependency if you like, but I feel I am a better person when I have someone to get up in the morning for. It is true that I've spent most of my adult life in long-term, meaningful relationships, and maybe it would be good for me to be on my own for a while. At least that's what I try to tell myself. But I like being a part of something like that, and dammit, I'm good at it. I am ready to find someone to share my life with. Someone who will want to share theirs with mine. I'm ready.

God I hate that a blog is my outlet for this. In some ways, I think this is part of the problem. I don't have close friends here. All of the people who I can share these things with live 3000 miles away, and it is tough to cry on a shoulder over the phone (though I know one or two of you have been an important help in the past few months. Thank you for that). I am a very physically oriented person. I need contact. A face to look at. A hand to hold. Someone to hug me and tell me it will all work out in the end. I know it sounds sappy, but I thrive on that kind of contact, and since Louisa left, I haven't had that connection. I hate to break it down to a gender issue, but I can't talk to my guy friends about stuff like this. I mean, I would feel awkward bringing it up, and I can't imaging how uncomfortable I would make them feel. However, the only female friends who I am at all close to right now, are even closer friends with Louisa, which would make any conversation of this nature unfair to them. Of course, I know at least one person who would likely argue with me over that last statement, but the fact remains, you are close to Louisa and it's not my place to undermine that.

Anyway, I guess that's my rant for the morning. I apologize if it has been rambling or repetitive. Now lets see if it makes me feel any better. I, for one, am doubtful.

Introduction

You know, I generally don't believe in these things... Two other times in my life I tried to keep up with a blog at livejournal with limited success. I generally just stopped paying attention to it. It got to be too much hassle. However, writing in one of these did manage to help me through one or two tough times in my life so here's hoping it will help this time too.

WARNING: For any of my friends or otherwise who might stumble onto this blog, I'm sure it will be getting pretty angst-ridden for a while. I'm having some inner-battle issues at the moment and don't really have any one to share them with, so this is going to be the flood gate for the time being. Please feel free to not pay attention. I just need somewhere to let it out. In fact, in some ways it might be better if no one even knew this thing existed, but I will post links to it, as I suppose having it be part of public record will be good for me. Right?